Directed by: Guillermo del Toro
Rating: ★
It’s officially Blockbuster season, and that means it’s time for the big studios to roll out what they hope will be the heavy hitters- the big box office smashes- to make them loads of money.
Unfortunately for Warner Brothers, Pacific Rim is not a one of them. While it may literally pack a giant robotic punch, the move itself is just a ridiculously poorly contrived and horribly executed smash ‘em up that consists of giant robots fighting giant sea creatures for a whopping two and a half hours.
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| Becket and Mako share neural networks... or something. |
Think Real Steel mixed with Godzilla, Independence Day and Transformers, but ten times more boring than all of them combined. I’m sure that Pacific Rim will appeal to someone, but unless you are either mentally or physically under the age of twelve and just want to see epically constructed but wholly bland fight sequences, you probably won’t enjoy it.
Pacific Rim begins with an incredibly complex and awkwardly long explanation about how an intergalactic vortex has opened up in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and giant alien monsters called ‘Kaiju’ are being sent through it. In order to fight these behemoths, humans construct massive robots, called ‘Jaegers’, but the monsters continue to get bigger and stronger, so all hope for humanity is lost…
... Or is it?
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| A 'Kaiju'- or giant alien sea monster to you and me. |
Well, no it isn’t. Raleigh Becket (Hunnam), a former Jaeger pilot, is called back by Stacker Pentecost (Elba) to once again control his Jaegar, but this time with a new co-pilot. As Jaegers have to be driven in pairs, because pilots must be link together with one another and their robots via a complicated neural network system, it is important that they have a sacred bond with one another and their robot. And if that sentence wasn’t farfetched and insanely ridiculous enough, the co-pilots share memories and shit, which allows our protagonists to experience some ‘character development’ in the form of traumatic flashbacks, especially for Mako Mori (Kikuchi).
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| Becket and Mako suit up and prepare for battle. |
For a film about giant robots fighting giant monsters, you’d think we wouldn’t really need any real backstories for the central players, but no, their subplots are painfully stretched out with the help of some terrible dialogue.
Simultaneously Dr Newton Geizer (Day) and his colleague Dr Gottleib (Gorman) who are supposed to provide comic relief, do ‘scientific’ stuff and then run around Hong Kong screaming. Wow, re-reading what I just wrote has made me realise that Pacific Rim has even more problems than I first thought.
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| Dr Geizer runs through Hong Kong, screaming. |
In all fairness to Pacific Rim, it does look amazing. The CGI is astounding and some of the action sequences are actually pretty decent: they just go on for way too long.
But the script is really terrible- a special mention must be made about the groan-inducing dialogue that is so incredibly clunky it makes you want to tear your hair from your scalp. The story begins well, but becomes more and more ridiculous as it goes on, pushing the boundaries of verisimilitude to its absolute limit until it finally bursts; therefore destroying the small amount of credibility that the film began with.
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| Hunnam basically pulls this face for the duration of the movie. |
Hunnam is, to quote a colleague of mine, an ‘emotionless plastic man’- the sort of character we see all too often in modern cinema. He may have abs of steel, but when he isn’t flashing his torso he’s just flailing around like a wilting wooden top. The rest of the cast are either lifeless or hammy, and it is only Elba who seems like he’s actually enjoying himself and making the most of a dreadful script. But then again, he’ll do anything- I doubt he turns any roles down.
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| Oh Idris... when will you be selective in the roles you choose? |
It’s never a good thing when the entire cast is eclipsed by a 9 year old girl. Mana Ashida plays a young version of Mako in flashback and she is pretty damn amazing- her acting is probably the best thing the entire movie has to offer. There’s also a cameo but Ron Pearlman, who tries to inject some energy into the piece, but fails.
Even though Pacific Rim is an original idea and has some excellent special effects, a weak story and terrible characterisation drag the movie down to the briny depths of the ocean- and leave you there to suffocate. The ending is insanely stupid and over the top, and just when you think one thing will happen that would redeem the entire film, we are given a jaw-droppingly unbelievable finale.
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| Giant robots!! |
I did like the fact that Mako isn’t a love interest for Becket- even though she does repeatedly perv on him- but director Del Toro is wrong in assuming that she is on an equal footing to our hero. She may be presented as a ‘independent woman’, but as soon as important stuff begins to happen Mako goes from being a secretary to a becoming a typical bumbling bimbo who fails to do anything productive and is endlessly needed to be saved by a man- and this is particularly true of the finale. Remind you of anything?
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| It takes two pilots to work a Jaeger... |
Pacific Rim is essentially a movie version of two 5 year old boys playing a fighting game with their action figures, except this one lasts for ages and cost $200 million to make. I would advise my readers to just spend your ticket money on visiting a toy shop, buying two action figures, going back to your house and then make them fight one another - because you’d probably have a better time doing that then watching Pacific Rim. Your own powers of imagination could probably come up with something far more entertaining than this.
Pacific Rim has no heart, no soul, and no brain. It lacks substance and sense. If watching giant robots attacking giant sea monsters is your thing, then by all means, go and watch Pacific Rim. If you like seeing building being smashed and cars exploding in a thoroughly boring and bland way, then you might have a good time.
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| I doubt it... |
Oh Guillermo. You’ve gone mad with power. Well actually, you went mad with power a long time ago, but I think now people are finally realising it. This film should be fun, but it isn’t. It’s dull and dry. Just like Hellboy.
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